The young child caring for the adult
Reflect on a time when you received care – the other cared for you and how you knew you were cared for.
This past weekend brought up some fears and doubts. My mind has a tendency to race and it raced away from me into the future thinking am I in the right place? Did I choose the right program? Will there ever enough time to get it all done?
I tend to get anxious and irritable when I am feeling stressed out. I am also really tired coping with some form of mama insomnia. I want to avoid, exit and escape painful and uncomfortable situations. Unfortunately, who gets the brunt of this is my family, mainly my life partner. He is such an amazing man who is generous and kind in his actions. He loves from such an unconditional place and I am Debbie Doubter, questioning it all and even being mean sometimes. I want to be and do everything and get it right, but it's so darn hard!
I teach my son not to shout or hurt others, and he listens. It is so much harder to listen to my own words. I am great at teachings others, caring for others and giving advice but my own practise of self care is not always the greatest. I am learning to by okay with that and make the changes needed for success, as well as face the challenges in myself with gentleness and love.
On Monday morning, after a full-on weekend of being in school and teaching, I longed to connect with my son. I really missed him being away for such long hours. The times I was at home over the weekend was preparing for the next day or bed time which seems to be a battle these days. There I was sitting on the couch, watching Thomas the Train with my beloved boy, and he looked into my eyes and told me to stop being mad. I had gotten irritable the night before. He is 2 years and 10 months. He looked at me with his precious eyes and I knew he was right. It is not fair to take out my stress on the ones I love. I grew up in a household that shouted so it is what I know by default and negative programming.
I said that I was so very sorry and I will try my best to change. We had a understanding and deep connection that make my heart and soul fill with love. He loves me so much and I love him. He is my teacher and I am his mother. I have never felt a love like this in my whole life. It feels like my heart is running around outside of me and I am scared and worried that anything bad might happen. So instead I get mad, irritated or sad about past or future events, and I loose the precious moments of connection. How ironic.
After we connected through words, gesture and touch, he rested his little head on my leg, and I knew everything was going to be okay, I knew I was cared for and that I was loved deeply. This little bean sprout cares for my well-being and sees the whole universe of potential in me, because we are one. I remember asking him once 'Where is God?' and he said "God is in my heart.' All these years of searching to be taught by an innocent child that God is inside.
Geeze, this is all very emotional for me right now. I am really tired, but I feel blessed and grateful with the many moments if my life of being cared for by others. I have wonderful friends, family and community in my life. I know they love me deeply and only want the best for me. They are my cheerleaders and catch me when I'm falling.
I believe that the Universe takes care of us in our times of needs. Throughout the forty years of my life, there have been many ups and downs, bumps and stumbles, trails and tribulations. Some has knocked me off my feet and left my in dark places of the mind where I questioned what it all meant and what my role in all was (and still do!) But through the storms, there has always been a gentle breeze guiding me in the right direction - towards a greater place of love, acceptance, forgiveness and peace. I give great thanks to all my teachers on this path called life, and feel humbled to be a student again. I am ready to receive, learn and grow. I am ready to be cared for. I will continue to invite in this great caring love of the universe and see what happens to my identity as a mother, teacher, student, friend, daughter, employee, and boss.
I hope that the labels and false identifications with the ego begin to fall away and I am able to return to my true playful and child-like self.
This past weekend brought up some fears and doubts. My mind has a tendency to race and it raced away from me into the future thinking am I in the right place? Did I choose the right program? Will there ever enough time to get it all done?
I tend to get anxious and irritable when I am feeling stressed out. I am also really tired coping with some form of mama insomnia. I want to avoid, exit and escape painful and uncomfortable situations. Unfortunately, who gets the brunt of this is my family, mainly my life partner. He is such an amazing man who is generous and kind in his actions. He loves from such an unconditional place and I am Debbie Doubter, questioning it all and even being mean sometimes. I want to be and do everything and get it right, but it's so darn hard!
I teach my son not to shout or hurt others, and he listens. It is so much harder to listen to my own words. I am great at teachings others, caring for others and giving advice but my own practise of self care is not always the greatest. I am learning to by okay with that and make the changes needed for success, as well as face the challenges in myself with gentleness and love.
On Monday morning, after a full-on weekend of being in school and teaching, I longed to connect with my son. I really missed him being away for such long hours. The times I was at home over the weekend was preparing for the next day or bed time which seems to be a battle these days. There I was sitting on the couch, watching Thomas the Train with my beloved boy, and he looked into my eyes and told me to stop being mad. I had gotten irritable the night before. He is 2 years and 10 months. He looked at me with his precious eyes and I knew he was right. It is not fair to take out my stress on the ones I love. I grew up in a household that shouted so it is what I know by default and negative programming.
I said that I was so very sorry and I will try my best to change. We had a understanding and deep connection that make my heart and soul fill with love. He loves me so much and I love him. He is my teacher and I am his mother. I have never felt a love like this in my whole life. It feels like my heart is running around outside of me and I am scared and worried that anything bad might happen. So instead I get mad, irritated or sad about past or future events, and I loose the precious moments of connection. How ironic.
After we connected through words, gesture and touch, he rested his little head on my leg, and I knew everything was going to be okay, I knew I was cared for and that I was loved deeply. This little bean sprout cares for my well-being and sees the whole universe of potential in me, because we are one. I remember asking him once 'Where is God?' and he said "God is in my heart.' All these years of searching to be taught by an innocent child that God is inside.
Geeze, this is all very emotional for me right now. I am really tired, but I feel blessed and grateful with the many moments if my life of being cared for by others. I have wonderful friends, family and community in my life. I know they love me deeply and only want the best for me. They are my cheerleaders and catch me when I'm falling.
I believe that the Universe takes care of us in our times of needs. Throughout the forty years of my life, there have been many ups and downs, bumps and stumbles, trails and tribulations. Some has knocked me off my feet and left my in dark places of the mind where I questioned what it all meant and what my role in all was (and still do!) But through the storms, there has always been a gentle breeze guiding me in the right direction - towards a greater place of love, acceptance, forgiveness and peace. I give great thanks to all my teachers on this path called life, and feel humbled to be a student again. I am ready to receive, learn and grow. I am ready to be cared for. I will continue to invite in this great caring love of the universe and see what happens to my identity as a mother, teacher, student, friend, daughter, employee, and boss.
I hope that the labels and false identifications with the ego begin to fall away and I am able to return to my true playful and child-like self.
This is so raw, vulnerable and beautiful, Naseem. I can relate to so many of the emotions, feelings and reflections you speak of. See you on the playground :-)
ReplyDeleteLovely. Sometimes we need others to help us look at our behaviours. I had someone hold a mirror up this past weekend in my house and it was enlightening. So I hear you... recognizing what we do and how we can improve is a lifetime of work. Life can make us better if we choose to let it. Love that little bean, and write more about these memories- they are invaluable in the future.
ReplyDeleteTake care,
N
You describe so beautifully the challenges mothers experience on a daily basis. I appreciate the detail and description you provide regarding your connection with your son and with the forces that you struggle with on a daily basis. I often feel torn to be present. When I'm at work, I'm thinking of my son and when I'm with my son, my mind is responding to work-related emails. What I do know is that when I feel I need advice, my son is usually the most reliable and confident source. His lens is pristine and his words simple. Keep sharing your insights!
ReplyDelete